2:39 am. In the wee hours of this day. 
I am lucky and blessed and happy beyond belief.

2:39 am. In the wee hours of this day. 

I am lucky and blessed and happy beyond belief.

I don’t know what to do about any of this. My morals and beliefs are on such shaky ground it’s infuriating and confusing and all the bad things and bad words that come with being on such shaky ground.  There are temptations that I am weak against and I just need pillars to lean against for strength.  I want things to be right with those I love and care about but first off I want to be back on the right path with God and my beliefs.  Sometimes I have no type of strict convictions I live by and it’s a scary thought because when you say you’re Christian, the convictions you have are based on that label and the full intent to follow the words of the Bible and the truth that it reveals.

It’s just hard. It’s really hard.

Spent the whole day with him yesterday. I showed him around town, he severely owned me in chess, and we ended the day going to a drive-in movie theater, which was a first for both. And we attempted to hike to the C but we totally went the wrong way so we’re gonna try it again another time.  But the view at the point before going back down was a sight to see.

Am I afraid to be alone, too?

Is this why I’ve moved on from one guy to the next in a seemingly fast pace?

Maybe. 

With you it has gotten to the point where I think of you almost every second of the day. And I pray that I won’t ever reach the point of hurting you.

Her

22 Jump Street

Maleficent

10 Things I Hate About You

Grand Budapest Hotel

The Royal Tenenbaums

Moonrise Kingdom

Spirited Away

Somewhere (2010)

I’m Not There (2007)

Inside Llewyn Davis

Of Gods and Men

Broken Flowers

Oldboy

The Act of Killing

Amour

Memento

Fight Club

The Artist

Garden State

Tron

12 Years a Slave

Lego Movie

Gattaca

LOTR

Transformers (2014)

Star Wars VII (2015)

Moon 

Sunshine

Summer Wars

Samurai X

Trust & Betrayal

Howl’s Moving Castle

Star Trek I & II (latest films)

June 19, 2014

I drove to LB and met his little brother and his adorable dog.  From there we drove in his car to VB.  The art crawl was taking place that night and I was happy that I was able to drive that long despite my slight cold.  It was a very cool night.  We got pizza and chicken cheese fries from a spot on the beach and we ate on top a small hill with a seagull standing guard.  We watched as the sun set behind the mountains and left the hill and friendly seagulls to view the art on the streets.  We viewed art on sidewalks, in hair salons, in parking lots, and quaint studios.  It was a long and lovely night and at one point I allowed myself to hold hands with him.  It felt nice.  I’m not sure if I was ready for it, but having that happen was running through my mind almost the whole night.  He was smooth about it, too.  Haha.  We were waiting to cross the street and a guy acting slightly schizo was on the other side of the street and I was a bit frightened. So, he held out his hand and said “It’ll be fine.” and I held his hand. “Okay.”

I like him. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for anything more than holding hands with him though.  

what do i do with myself when i spiral into a state of self-loathing. when i feel like i don’t deserve to have anyone care about me? i don’t know what to do to get better.

i think i’m afraid of love now because i will get caught in the emotions and feelings and feel that making love to the next guy that made me feel the way you did will be right and it will make sense. but, if what happened to us happens with the next guy, i think it will ruin me. it’s not that i feel ruined for having lost it, i don’t feel that way. i just realize now that it really is such an intimate experience and now i just want the next person i do it with to be the one. the last one.  but the fact that i feel i won’t be able to control myself if i feel as strongly towards the next guy…that worries me. because i won’t know, ever know, that he will be the one that won’t give up on us.

i’m not interested in hook-ups or one night stands.  i’m 19, but i simply want to already find the one to spend the rest of my life with. i simply want to find the one who will find a balance between our relationship, school, work, family, and other relationships.  i simply want to be certain that the next guy i fall in love with is the one that will never come close to making me feel the way you made me feel at the very end of us.