I don’t know what to do about any of this. My morals and beliefs are on such shaky ground it’s infuriating and confusing and all the bad things and bad words that come with being on such shaky ground. There are temptations that I am weak against and I just need pillars to lean against for strength. I want things to be right with those I love and care about but first off I want to be back on the right path with God and my beliefs. Sometimes I have no type of strict convictions I live by and it’s a scary thought because when you say you’re Christian, the convictions you have are based on that label and the full intent to follow the words of the Bible and the truth that it reveals.
It’s just hard. It’s really hard.
Am I afraid to be alone, too?
Is this why I’ve moved on from one guy to the next in a seemingly fast pace?
With you it has gotten to the point where I think of you almost every second of the day. And I pray that I won’t ever reach the point of hurting you.
“And you, such a fearless soul, disarmed me by truth, and broke my mold”
22 Jump Street Maleficent
10 Things I Hate About You
Grand Budapest Hotel
The Royal Tenenbaums
I’m Not There (2007)
Inside Llewyn Davis
Of Gods and Men
The Act of Killing
12 Years a Slave
Star Wars VII (2015)
Trust & Betrayal
Howl’s Moving Castle
Star Trek I & II (latest films)
June 19, 2014
I drove to LB and met his little brother and his adorable dog. From there we drove in his car to VB. The art crawl was taking place that night and I was happy that I was able to drive that long despite my slight cold. It was a very cool night. We got pizza and chicken cheese fries from a spot on the beach and we ate on top a small hill with a seagull standing guard. We watched as the sun set behind the mountains and left the hill and friendly seagulls to view the art on the streets. We viewed art on sidewalks, in hair salons, in parking lots, and quaint studios. It was a long and lovely night and at one point I allowed myself to hold hands with him. It felt nice. I’m not sure if I was ready for it, but having that happen was running through my mind almost the whole night. He was smooth about it, too. Haha. We were waiting to cross the street and a guy acting slightly schizo was on the other side of the street and I was a bit frightened. So, he held out his hand and said “It’ll be fine.” and I held his hand. “Okay.”
I like him. I’m just not sure if I’m ready for anything more than holding hands with him though.
what do i do with myself when i spiral into a state of self-loathing. when i feel like i don’t deserve to have anyone care about me? i don’t know what to do to get better.
i think i’m afraid of love now because i will get caught in the emotions and feelings and feel that making love to the next guy that made me feel the way you did will be right and it will make sense. but, if what happened to us happens with the next guy, i think it will ruin me. it’s not that i feel ruined for having lost it, i don’t feel that way. i just realize now that it really is such an intimate experience and now i just want the next person i do it with to be the one. the last one. but the fact that i feel i won’t be able to control myself if i feel as strongly towards the next guy…that worries me. because i won’t know, ever know, that he will be the one that won’t give up on us.
i’m not interested in hook-ups or one night stands. i’m 19, but i simply want to already find the one to spend the rest of my life with. i simply want to find the one who will find a balance between our relationship, school, work, family, and other relationships. i simply want to be certain that the next guy i fall in love with is the one that will never come close to making me feel the way you made me feel at the very end of us.