I’m thinking of how, 

I’m thinking of why,

I’m thinking of all the ways I do.

We’ve only met a little over two months ago and the fact of the matter is

I really really really…..

I think I’m still afraid to say it. Or to type it out.

At the local bar thinking about you 

don’t worry i’m sober…because i’m underage and if this bar were to give me alcohol 

they’d probably get closed down.

there’s cheesecake on display when you first walk in through the entrance. 

i want to try it but i’m not sure how long it’s been in there. 

i just made eye contact with some dude that is also on his laptop. he had to turn to his left to do that. i just had to look up. 


i’m listening to parks and rec, the episode where leslie creates a lame task force to capture fairway frank. april is totaally into andy. i love her.

i think i’ve prolonged my stay here at the bar.  i really need to nap.

This is how it happened

It’s a pretty short and cute story so I’ll keep it as brief as possible. Stacy suggested I write it down so that I wouldn’t forget it. So I’m typing it here.

On the Friday of July 18, I had to perform that day so I was going to be on campus and so he planned to drive over for dinner after I was done with my performances. 

After I was done with work I was expecting him to be close by then but I got a text message saying he was barely leaving because he was held up at work.

Ahh, I was so bummed but had no problem with waiting for him. I busied myself with reading and running quick errands and also just sitting in my car and staying away from the heat. 

Finally, he came in a little less than an hour and a half later.  He apologized profusely but I assured him it was all right. I had gotten really sleepy and sloth-like by the time he got here so I didn’t want to do anything too energetic.  Therefore, I ended up suggesting we go downtown in my car and visit the three story antique store I told him about before.  

I don’t know about other antique shops but this one is pretty huge.  There would be little sections created with different themes displaying very antique and pretty items.  We never knew whether the next section would be borderline creepy or cute.  There were many cute old lady trinkets but also records in one section, old cameras and Polaroids, action figures in another, etc.  We came across a Bruce Lee life size mannequin and he readily agreed to pose with him.

He’s so cute.  And I am not referring to Bruce Lee.

Whilst browsing around the antique store with him I was also messaging my mother at the same time asking her if it was all right he come over.  

[Separate post of the fact that my mom knows about him will be up shortly.] 

She was being such a mom telling me how messy the house was but I assured her we’d clean it and she quickly agreed with that.  I mean, okay, if you want us to…

After being at the antique store for a sufficient amount of time he was starting to get hungry so we drove back to where his car was parked and decided to grab food at a flatbread restaurant. I ate there a couple times before and was so excited for him to taste its deliciousness.  After picking up our food we got into our separate cars where he proceeded to follow me to my casa. 

It was already dark when we were driving there so I was kind of bummed he didn’t get to see the green vastness of my town.  No big buildings and lots of cow farms.  

We got to my house and I watched him get out of his car and immediately looked up at the night sky. There were clouds but still, the minimal light pollution in town was very obvious compared to his town.

"Wow, this is more incredible than I expected." He said, referring to how many more stars that were visible.

Finally we got to my house.  Colburn was in the living room and I promptly kicked him out so that we could sit in the space he was occupying to watch a movie.  I called my mother out from her room and she so very shyly got to meet him.  It was cute. Ben accidentally bowed and successfully said “Selamat malam” to her.  She laughed and said “It’s good to meet you.” And she kept smiling and before she hid back in her room she told me, “he’s so nice.”

Well, that was an awkward success.

I made him sit in the living room while I hurried back in my room and tidied the place up a bit. I had a feeling we were going to end up hanging out in there later.  While I was in my room he messed with my piano for a little bit.  Augh, I’m so glad he’s into musics.

We went over to the den and ate our flatbreads and cuddled while watching first Tangled, then Crazy, Stupid, Love.  I’m pretty sure he enjoyed both.  

After, I invited him in my room so that I could show him song on Spotify that I was grooving to a lot. I forget what it was but I showed him my laptop and he proceeded to find out that I had command prompt and notepad ++ on my task bar and was surprised to learn that I was attempting to learn Python, one of many computer programming languages.  I didn’t tell him yet mainly because I hadn’t started learning it yet…and I still haven’t but I’ll get to it.  

Then he proceeded to hog my computer and I asked what he was doing.  He kept busy on my laptop and without looking at me said, “You’ll see.”

The first thing that popped in my head was, he’s going to ask me out, finaaaally.

And that he did. <3

He had installed some other useful computer programming software and before he handed me back my laptop he wrote a program which basically was a q&a asking me out.

Refer to previous post. 

<3 <3 <3

2:39 am. In the wee hours of this day. 
I am lucky and blessed and happy beyond belief.

2:39 am. In the wee hours of this day. 

I am lucky and blessed and happy beyond belief.

I don’t know what to do about any of this. My morals and beliefs are on such shaky ground it’s infuriating and confusing and all the bad things and bad words that come with being on such shaky ground.  There are temptations that I am weak against and I just need pillars to lean against for strength.  I want things to be right with those I love and care about but first off I want to be back on the right path with God and my beliefs.  Sometimes I have no type of strict convictions I live by and it’s a scary thought because when you say you’re Christian, the convictions you have are based on that label and the full intent to follow the words of the Bible and the truth that it reveals.

It’s just hard. It’s really hard.

Spent the whole day with him yesterday. I showed him around town, he severely owned me in chess, and we ended the day going to a drive-in movie theater, which was a first for both. And we attempted to hike to the C but we totally went the wrong way so we’re gonna try it again another time.  But the view at the point before going back down was a sight to see.

Am I afraid to be alone, too?

Is this why I’ve moved on from one guy to the next in a seemingly fast pace?


With you it has gotten to the point where I think of you almost every second of the day. And I pray that I won’t ever reach the point of hurting you.


22 Jump Street


10 Things I Hate About You

Grand Budapest Hotel

The Royal Tenenbaums

Moonrise Kingdom

Spirited Away

Somewhere (2010)

I’m Not There (2007)

Inside Llewyn Davis

Of Gods and Men

Broken Flowers


The Act of Killing



Fight Club

The Artist

Garden State


12 Years a Slave

Lego Movie



Transformers (2014)

Star Wars VII (2015)



Summer Wars

Samurai X

Trust & Betrayal

Howl’s Moving Castle

Star Trek I & II (latest films)